After my last post on needing a reason to believe and losing my faith in humanity, I stumbled around in proverbial darkness for a little while. I burst into tears on the couch while my beautiful housemate S and I watched “The Tube”, bitching about how public transport in London instantly turns even the nicest human being into a self-absorbed bastard… I tried so hard, but as my voice quavered I lost the fight with my tearducts and tears started rolling. S jumped up, regardless of the fact that she was tired and upset herself, and hugged me so tight.
This morning I read a friend’s blog on Responsible Hedonism and it reminded me that maybe part of the reason that I was losing faith was because I wasn’t taking enough responsibility for my own happiness. I had a really good weekend, and so it made me pause and take note; What did I do this weekend that was so different?
The big thing I noticed was that I put my happiness first by helping another. One of my friends Z has three kids – two ten year old twins and a 14 year old. She’s struggling work-wise at the moment, and her husband is decidedly absent this week as his own business is having to lift to carry the family. I arrived at her home to tutor the twins, and I walked in on what seemed like the verge of a family melt down. So, I offered to take the twins out for the afternoon. Off we went to the park where we picked flowers for Z and went “egg hunting” (London’s got 200 faberge eggs scattered around the city – we found 13 that day). We had ice cream and caught the bus instead of the Tube, enjoying the sights the city has to offer.
It was Sport Relief this week as well, and I couldn’t help but get online and donate. It was only five pounds, but it was something. I want to do the mile next year.
I loved every minute of it. I realised I like doing things for others. It makes me happy. I like feeling like I’ve done something good for someone. I loved taking the girls out; I loved seeing the smile on Z’s face when I arrived at her house to pick up the girls with a box of chocolates; I love tutoring and teaching, because I love watching kids’ minds grow; I like giving money to charity. I want to reach out and make a difference.
And I realised as I watched other people do kind things that it’s really the Kindness of People that makes me happy, and gives me reason to live. That’s the main reason I’ve gotten trampled in the past – because I want to believe that everyone has it within them to be a good person. I don’t want to stop believing that, so I wont. Everyone does have the power within them to be good and amazing and wonderful. It’s not hard to get up and hug a friend, even though your bones are aching; it’s not hard to help that lady with her pram up the steps; it’s not hard to smile.
I’m determined to get up and smile today. I’m going to make someone else happy, and help out. Today is the day for The Kindness to win out.