Learning to feel

 

I had a weird moment today.  I was watching the assembly item at school today and the kids were Bunghra dancing to celebrate vaisahki day, and all of a sudden I burst into tears…  I don’t know why. I don’t know what triggered it off.  I think it might have been the song itself (Punjabi MC… dunno, don’t ask) but I’m honestly not sure.

However I’ve had quite a few of these moments over the last few weeks.  It’s almost as though I’ve been learning how to feel again.  I cry at stupid things a lot.  I really don’t understand what’s kicking the tears over, because generally I don’t feel sad.  Last week I was in a crap mood all week; really angry, really impatient.  This week, it’s been unexpected tears.  I cried over the break up with TIG really hard the first night, then not again for ages.  Then the other night I got a text from him and I cried, hard, again.  Today Punjabi MC made me cry, making me feel nostalgic for a time I didn’t recognise.

I read Hyperbole and a Half’s article on depression and the “break” she had with the corn, and I think I’m having one of those.  After being on a soul-numbing drug for three years, almost, my body is learning how to process emotions again by itself, without the carefully regulated chemicals.  And so, like any process you’re learning, the body wants to practice.  It wants to practice crying, being angry, being impatient and frustrated, being happy, being silly.  It’s been a bloody rollercoaster.

Recovery is hard.  Getting better is hard.  I wish I knew what was happening, and I wish I was still seeing super-doctor Russell while I went through this.  But, he’s in Australia, and I am here.